My Answer

My thoughts of you should never be beautiful,
As i see you so much more than what others saw,
Then why is it i seem to care for you and notice the you inside,
I should not let my art eye to look into your heart,
But with the gift that i have i am unable to avoid,
Of looking at your pain while reaching out for you,
And thus together like i have always know,
Suffer the same and happy the same,
Why is it i can not turn away and just walk ahead,
Like i always do but drop a little bit of hint,
When it comes to you i had to hold you so tightly,
Without knowing hold you very dearly,
In this heart of mine you sneak in your way like you always do,
Indeed i refuse to admit,
Flower that i did not bother to take care of nor fertilize,
Bloom ever so beautifully just like you in that heart of yours,
I am attached to you by the undefined bond.

I should not see you so attractive,
With the face that could scare people around you,
The harshness that ought to be as sharp as blade,
The you that people fear i become so attached,
So natural just to show you this tears of mine,
Surprisingly so you calm me down,
I thought of you when you're so far away,
To you i want so much and longed for,
My dear heart of mine plays trick that i can never guess,
Nor should i understand the meaning all behind,
Tell me the person who holds the key,
Have i fallen for you despite of who you are,
For i see you ever so shiningly and lovingly,
You care for me and hold me so much close,
This dear person of mine i understand it finally,
I LOVE YOU and DO YOU LOVE ME?

Husband Beliefs

If within this bare hands i can make you stay,
I'll not chase after glory nor power to hold you,
Deep in this heart of mine i have loved you,
To the day i put a ring onto that finger of yours i vow upon The Almighty,
Let this little wife of mine love YOU more than she love me,
For i want to be this husband who lead her to your path,
Your religion and within your road,
I want this oath of mine to protect her from lust that blinded others,
Y' Allah The Almighty,
For i am your humble servant,
And i too want to die in your right path.

Smile, Frail Heart

This pain is unbearable,
I pray for myself to be stronger,
More and more,
Although it may sounds greedy,
But please listen to me,
For i do not want to lose my sanity,
Not yet and not ever,
So by then i'll pray to The Almighty Allah,
To give me the strength to fight back this tears,
This pain,
This fragile heart,
So i may smile once more the day after tomorrow.

To be torn bits by bits,
Pieces by pieces after the mending begun,
I could not control of my own heavy heart,
Of the misty eyes that threatens me once more,
Please don't let me cry this heart of mine,
Just bear with me until i am stronger again,
Swallow the bitterness until i am mended,
A little bit more or probably longer,
I ask this frail heart of mine the same thing,
As the tortures begins again,
Repetitively i am tormenting myself,
Smile you just a little bit more,
And i'll smile again somehow.

I Forgive

Forever to be in misery,
Why the despair,
When i could reach my own happiness,
Not that i forget more likely i forgive,
And somehow time makes it magic,
Like the twirling wand that fairies have,
I seem not to remember a tiny bit of you.

The image are blurry,
But by that name i know you are my friend,
I wonder what cause of my heartbreaking that i could not remember,
The you who tries as your hardest giving me every sign,
Like i have said,
I did not forget but i forgive,
And yes my dear friend,
It seems there are certain wall are protecting me from remember.

It was not you whom i forgive,
But it was your friend that did to my heart,
Magically enough i could not remember you as well,
Your face are blurry when i try to recall,
And the heart that i knew i could not remember as well,
It was the event that is happening as i open the Pandora Box,
Not that i seem to forget until now i forgive,
And just like that i had to meet you like the first time again.

Singing Sorrow

My words they are spoken with tears,
Through everything sobbing in that very night,
A face wet with endless tears,
My pillow that soaked my every pain.

I speak of my pain that very night,
Of things that you misunderstand and you did not see,
Anger and hurt of what you didn't see,
We too have suffered but we never tell.

Of what am i too become now,
A monster that speaks the truth and rude little me,
How can i not say when you ignore our pleading,
While your money blinded you though this blood ties us together.

And so this heart pours it all,
Defending what is left and fights for it,
My sister i call you every now and then,
I'll fight you until my last breath of mine.

I am speaking the truth and i see it all,
This heart bears all the singing sorrow from our parent,
And thus that very night i cry it all out for you to see,
Of what pain we went through while you enjoy your own.

As I Speak

Not to thin but might be big,
I am to accept the reality and harsh life,
Tormented by the names,
Endless of them to be the talk of the town,
If i could not face it all today,
I fear i might not show myself again.

It wasn't my intention to live this kind of life,
As i thought of drowning myself in my own emotion,
Astonished to know what i refuse to admit,
I see it now just how i see it then,
Could it be a little less hurting than not to know,
I can not answer for i am helpless for now.

I will make my comeback,
Probably even better than today,
Or was it next year i could not say,
For what it is i do know one for most,
I strike to win even with the risk i am losing.

A tie that i bound to keep,
And for it is i live to my happiness,
No more waiting when regret still follow,
Repent over and over again for the deeds that have been done,
I'll walk again, slowly this time,
For i know somewhere along i might fall again.

Prayer to Gaza

With my hands clasped together and on the ground i bend,
I ask and pray to Allah The Almighty of lists that i wanted,
Not the long list of shopping nor gadgets,
Or even my happiness that i had always ask,
This day and the day onwards i'll ask something else,
Pray something else,
If my heart have that little bit of pureness before it turns black,
Of the infection that one can not deny,
Of lust, power, greed,
The impossible things that made them suffer,
I pray in this heart of mine,
To let me always pray their happiness and reach for it,
To give them a part of my life that i am ungrateful of,
To be their parents of the little one if i could teach them,
Of peace i would talk more and more,
That pain if i may become their healer,
Can i just hold onto them O' Allah The Almighty,
Hold onto the bleeding hands,
Trembling due to ruthless bullets,
I hear them cry of the most painful that i can never forget,
These hands i grasp and will forever hold onto,
I pray for peace and sacrifice my happiness,
As i want to see them living the same life like i do,
For i do not want the little one to understand the savage of life too early,
When i wanted them to fly more onto their dreams,
I dare to all that and i will forever pray,
This is my PRAYER TO GAZA.

Heart for my friend

The docile eyes of hers that i couldn't resist,
Turns into an evil like her heart,
What have comes to her i couldn't reach,
As if it was me to be blame,
For i didn't see her pain earlier and save from the fallen.

Innocent i once used to know her back then,
Filled with just empty not warmth,
I dread the fact she dies slowly in front of my eye,
When i couldn't give her up i try to grab her,
If i am too fall i know i could bring her up again.

Her name haven't change but it does not have the same meaning,
For no longer she smiles like the sun,
Just plainly gloomy and her dark heart,
It was like standing at the end of the cliff i see her there,
I will forever call her name to remind her i am still here.

The beauty of her that stands the most,
It is still there and i can see it,
I prayed for this dear friend of mine to keep her warm,
To forever remind her i care for her,
Reach my hand like i grab yours and never let it go.

I yearn

I come to enjoy my nights,
The un-chaperoned lady who happen to enjoy the stroll,
By night with the lights of more colour,
With its excitement joy and entertainment,
I missed my intended but he's not around,
No finding that i want to discover,
If i may be so dramatic and romantic,
I should say let my knight comes to save my despair,
Take my hand and we are full of mischievous pair,
I dream of that romance but know that i am single,
I'm only making the life full of happiness that i see,
Others may name it pathetic,
If so my future knight of mine,
Make that in the nick of time meaningful to you.

The Anger

I am always scared,
Of things that bottled up in my heart,
I could have shout it out,
I could have vent out my anger,
My fury and all,
But for all that i could care,
For all that i still remember when i'm sane,
I am naturally like this,
Unable to make the feelings tell,
Just some childish act for some have thought,
I know of things i am capable of,
And i learned it all too well,
Could i be i was preventing accidents to prone,
As i mention by far,
I know it by heart that i'm a monster,
If i forgot who i am in the middle of clutter.

Share Your World

Defy not the heart,
Not when it is needed to be mend,
As static the time seems to you,
On my thoughts don't shut yourself away,
What you might not see and just pass by could be your happiness,
As dramatic as it may sounds,
As fairy tale that you didn't believe anymore,
I am hoping and praying at the same time,
That you would not fall so deeply nor close yourself so tightly,
For i still want to hold onto you as long as i can,
And as far as i can go.

For almost a lifetime than i could remember,
I know i learned something to share to you,
As i thought this would happen,
It's what they called life,
The bitterness,
The sweetness,
But this, dear friend of mine,
Let us not be a stranger no matter what crosses us,
Let us still be friends,
And introduce ourselves if one does not remember,
I begged of you not to leave,
For i treasure you as much as i love my family,
It is what they say my dear friend of mine,
When a bond is created,
It is not something that are easily breakable.

And so there are misunderstanding among us,
But should there be war to satisfy the heart,
Defy not the heart,
The nature of your heart that i know,
Full of you and nothing of the evil,
And i do have to admit there's a devilish side just far down,
But as long it is not fed by lust, hate and revenge,
I can always save you from the devastation,
I'll hold onto you until you can stand,
And if you do fall remember me of what i have said,
But if that still fails you,
Empty your heart and fill it with warm,
Don't shut it and never to the world,
When what comes to you are more beautiful than now,
Just beware and know it by then,
It is not forever but you can still cherish the warmth.

My Precious

And the luxury still can't tempt me,
When i still holds onto my treasure,
And truth to be told i wouldn't barter it,
Not for diamonds and gold,
For i am richer that way and safer this way,
No one ought to see what my treasure is,
Not in a chest and hidden away,
It is without a doubt the one that i love to boast,
Let the eye alone measure,
Let them alone notice,
For i would not tell nor bother to talk about,
I am without greed,
But i am protecting what's mine.

All the most that you have search,
A pirate to be called by those whom are near,
But it is not forever when they themselves cannot see,
Nor appreciate what it is that makes me smile,
More and all the more of my hunger with my own,
In truth it is more about pain and sacrifice this treasure of mine,
Who would want to dismiss all the dreams and let alone wilt away,
A pity they say but i could not just walk away,
I learned of the secrets and the hidden,
I should be blind and deaf for going away,
And this heart should be as cold as the Greenland,
But all in all i am me with this nature of mine,
Due to this i could not save myself i known it by far,
Let alone when i walk and hold onto this treasure all alone.

Temper of Mine

If i could held onto my anger just for a little while,
Then i wouldn't need to do anymore damage,
Even just for a moment in my life,
I regret when i couldn't hold myself back,
As i lost mostly what i treasure and things i cherished,
I hope by it then,
Even for the tiniest chance that i have,
I hope to revive what i lost.

Some other things that i don't want to say,
I wish i could held onto my devilish tongue,
Without piercing anyone's heart,
I could not resist this hurtful daggers that they gave,
I am without a doubt could not keep myself away,
As they are my dearest one to my heart,
But they are also the one that would hurt me most,
Remind me of my temper that could break everyone apart,
Remind me of who i am in the past and even now.

It is more the impossible to not say it,
When all i ever wanted that i care for all,
And this face didn't show what you wanted to see,
Just sometimes i could not express without being sick,
I am this person with the temper,
To always hide every emotion but are easily hurt,
Deep down i want to be strong no matter the endless pain,
Just for the sake of them i tell myself,
Even just for  a little while i want to be patient,
I let myself hurt over and over again,
I shut my mouth to the thoughtless moment,
I wish all the more and more again.

Of IT

Somewhere deep in my heart,

Usually the places that i could thdink of,

A moment of madness lead me to another,

Where it leads from places and endless time,

I imagine it to be a reality,

I rushed toward what i wanted,

But not what i lust,

I learned it as much,

And i sacrifice a whole lot more than i never imagine.

Of romance that i read,

That i envy with just the thoughts,

I should not yearned the same,

But it was every lady's dream to hold the same thing,

I would ask the same,

And this heart still wavers if i should,

My intended where are you by now,

This fear and forgiveness that holds me back,

But i wish you come and save me,

Save me from my own kindness.

Years of Healing

Ages ago they told me to let it go,
I have been trying and i wanted to do so,
So it won't be a pain here,
As i point my own heart,
Ages i have tried after knowing him,
And now i am still trying to make it painless.

If there is an antidote that would help me,
I sure would pay millions that i could never afford,
But to suffer this pain over and over again i can't imagine,
Of how the endless time that i couldn't count,
The long hour that i thought wouldn't end,
I dread the thoughts and the sickness all together,
If i could buy the antidote that ought to help me,
In debt i might be for millions of dollars,
As long a it doesn't hurt anymore.

Years it took me to forget,
To know eventually i can love another,
To open this heart that i myself have close,
How could i let it be so cold for the one person,
When i open my eyes and see a whole lot more,
Aye,
That love and the love alone,
I entitled it to be my future one.

Love for My Creator

Could it be the mistake that i make,
Of sins that i could no longer take back,
Aye,
It is all and all,
I could not bring back what i have lost,
I keep on missing it even more,
Days gone by and aged,
I happen to treasure of those around me,
And yes it pains me to hold back,
This tongue and the truth,
I can never hurt them,
But i realize it by then,
My happiness don't belong to them,
For if i know who to love for the rest of my life,
I no longer worry about being alone.

Allah The Almighty will always be here,
Be watching over me through all my journey,
And thus i come to decide,
To only love Allah, My Creator.

Unworthy of Being Love

Forget the past as i might,
It was like a shadow to me when there's light,
I seem to be backing away all the time,
Of things that i regret and could not hurt,
I have wanted happiness that i speak of,
But and so there is doubt in my own,
Someone who ought to care without any question,
To just accept me as well as my past,
Thus guide me that happiness i speak of.

I could not be selfish although i wanted,
Asking the love that i yearn for,
That smile that fades day by day,
How could i when i know i would hurt,
Being the poisonous venom when they know,
How could i when i know it by then,
There ought to be pain in between,
And i would have tear that heart bits by bits,
Be it in my shadow i disappear,
As long as you are fine for i pray your happiness with someone else.

Each heavy step that i take,
I force myself not to turn around,
I hear my name that you're calling,
Let it be the last time i told myself,
Be happy as i prayed,
But i do know your names will always be within my lips,
Your face that will be the picture of my head,
As i try years and years after that to forget you,
For when i hear of your joyful day comes,
I know i did the right thing for you,
When you found someone better,
Don't mind about me,
I am not worth the love that i dream of.

The Love of My Heart

Love,
My love in my heart,
In times when i could not find you,
Please be my light in the darkness,
Be my hand when i need,
Without ask or the shouts,
Of course i have demand too much,
But dear love of mine,
Be my protector against my own kindness,
For i would not know when i ought to be destroy,
As this heart of mine shattering,
And where is this love of mine,
The other side that i wait,
To whom i ought to stay loyal.

Love,
My love in my heart,
Guide me to where we would belong,
Of heaven that we each seek,
As i would not ask any angel to stay beside me there,
When i could have ask to be your faithful with only you,
And thus i can not  give all of my heart to you now,
The Almighty that we have faith in,
I want to be able to see you in heaven,
And of course i pray too much,
But dear o dear love of mine,
You are the one whom will be my other half,
Accept me from my past,
To not shed any more tears than what i should have,
And dear love of mine where are you,
As dramatic as i need you here with me,
I would as much want to love you now.

When it hurts,

I thought of running away,

I asked for help from my friends,

And the downhill seems like the deadliest road,

With the unknown rocks tumbling down,

And the roads too tricky to be handled,

Like that my whole life become another reality,

Some bitter-sweet that i have to swallowed,

To cry in the arms of someone was only a dream,

As i fight my way to bury the devil in me,

So the next time it does happen again,

Lets just pray the nuclear weapon is as weak as this,

For the next time i am drunk in emotions,

I won't packed my bags again.

My Dreams

If my hands failed me to picture you,
To draw the beautiful you in my heart,
Can i tell a story of you in a way i remember you the most?
Would it be a burden that you might not know,
To tell you just how much I LOVE the YOU that i know,
If i failed to reached your heart,
Can i send someone to pat your shoulder,
As if it was from me,
The unseen me that can not be reached,
I am fine through that,
As long you are happy,
Then that person holds my dream.

If my hands failed me to touch you,
When you needed help i was far away,
Could i send an angel to hold you tight,
For you to believe in the angel as to keep you safe,
Would you forget me along the path that you go,
As hands in hands with the angel that i sent to you,
The dear YOU that I LOVE so,
If i have failed in keeping my words to you,
Can i let the angel to keep it for me,
As i might not be there again when you needed me,
As i might will fail you again in future like now,
The distance me that can not be reached,
If through the angel has kept you from harm,
As long as you are protected,
Then that angel will hold onto my dreams.

If my hands failed me to embrace you warm,
When you were so hurt and needed to heal,
As only i know the cure of your broken heart,
Can you trust the person that hugs you close,
That wipes your tears when i have failed you,
Would you be able to open your heart to that person too,
Or is it too much that i have asked,
When i believe that person ought to keep you warm the same,
Like the summer that you thought of me when you were in my arm,
Open your heart and see again my LOVE,
As lovely as your face when i happen to make you smile again,
That person also gave you every season and be there for you all along,
So when you are in pain,
That person will hear you without you screaming and crying,
My LOVE as i heard that person says,
It warms your heart and be alive again,
Can i let that person embrace you on my behalf,
For i might not live long enough as you wish me too,
For i might not come when you needed me too,
If through that person will light up the summer that you love the most,
As long as you are warm my dear lovely you,
Then that person will hold onto my dreams.

Ask me as it is

Mistake that i make,
It was written on my face,
But for those whom i have loved so,
I could not give them what it is nor cry it out,
Innocent they have thought of me,
Oh dear my own heart,
I didn't mean to lie,
I just want their forgiveness.

Of Mumblings.

When the one day that you waited for long,
Without any words in my page nor message,
I could no longer touch nor hold you tight enough,
As i am in this path that i am taking,
Of healing and gaining,
I let go bits by bits,
Seen so many done by the lots,
Aah,
I have said to myself,
When i join the crowd feeling the same as possible,
A stage and part of my life,
I understood then,
But dear me the one that you don't see,
Breaking into pieces what they would have imagine,
I can no longer glued and put it back,
Forcing my way to the destined journey,
I begged to be forgotten,
But i did beg to be loved instead.

Fear

This is fear,
As i told myself,
As my eyes close but it seems so fresh,
Time does the ticking and its part,
And as it is,
Why as in why i still trembles,
The sight of stranger carrying tools,
The banging or the lock,
I shrivelled  and my knees gave away,
Protect, hide and run,
Protect, hide and run,
It plays in my head,
I remember it as it was just the beginning,
Just as i happen to feel safe,
I could not sleep without feeling like dying.

My Friend's Sacrification

And she told me all about the sacrifice that are needed,
I have longed occur and still doing it,
A friend of mine finally opens up,
About her life that she needed and the life that she wants,
I could have told her all of that,
But life is a mystery and we are the Sherlock Holmes,
I would have told her why is it i'm this way,
But would she take it by heart or just a nod in the head,
As she told me the stories so far,
I was recalling mine in silent,
Finally i said to myself,
She too found the reason to sacrifice.

This is where i STAND!!!

Here me speak,
Although i am just a nobody,
All this chaos has tired me lately,
Some were asking too much,
While on the other side were just being grateful,
Thus a border with a big wall has been created,
All the medias and the politics,
Has really made the world aged,
As they prefer making tantrums just like a kid,
A stubborn old goat if i may have name it,
One with professional skills but stupid enough to see,
One with higher education but dumb enough to notice,
When all that power, freedom and whatever nonsense they are asking,
Shall not bring them to the ground where they will be buried,
Aye,
People will die,
All the living things will have their lives taken away,
What you fight and making a ruckus now shall not help you at all,
As your stupidity cause such a bloodshed and war,
The envy and the cheers from the devil,
And yes,
We are being laughed at,
The country that were once being respected,
Could fall so low to the point it disgust me,
But i'll pray over here and will be praying,
Stopping at any mosque that i can see,
I will pray there and will always be,
To The Almighty i put my head down in shame,
Of the people nowadays too busy with the world,
Of them becoming like one of 'that',
I pray Ye Allah The Almighty,
To open their eyes and appreciate what they have,
For i still haven't let my children see,
What beauty that i see before it comes tainted,
What The Almighty have given to us and i once held upon it,
I worry for the future due their idiotic mind,
Insanely hunger for the power,
I thought we have learnt a lot from the past,
And it seems i don't mind having my life taken right now,
When the eye craves for money and power,
Such unreasonable dissatisfaction they could not overcome,
Flooded like a virus it has spread,
Now,
I'm just scared living here,
Be it my fear or the fury of The Almighty,
They have forgotten the important one as they are blind,
I could tell them about the stupidity,
But will it ever end in the hands of a girl like me,
I'll spread the word and you do the spreading,
I'll challenge them so but without fighting,
I'll give them what i a piece of my mind as i want them to hear,
For i will overcome thier blindness and lunatic mind.

Make me another day

Make me another day like this,
Where i remember how to fall in love without fear,
How i let my love spread the word of my happiness,
And how everything that i see is beautiful without being tainted,
Make me another day like this,
Where i can save my heart from drowning,
Plain drown and buried locked inside,
I pray for the hand,
I pray for my hand that ought to reach myself,
So i can know one thing that is for sure,
Remember it forever and ever,
About what i used to make others hear,
I shall live and survive this world.

Make me another day like this,
Where i know how to move on but not burying it within,
How to let everything just pass by just for the sake of me,
And how i can finally say that i am hurt without keeping my cool,
Make me another day like this,
Where i will not ask and begged to be accepted again,
Revealing myself and just me all the way,
Being selfish ever for that moment in my life,
So i can tell myself in the future,
No regret and no worries,
At least i fall because of my stupidity and not my duty,
I ask for a hand and i would ask again and again,
For all the lost that i have missed now.

Two World

All this lengthy talk that i can't stand,
Not a minute longer even a seconds more,
I have tried that far to open my heart,
And yet still i'm stuck between the lines,
The goods and evil one might see,
But just a regretting past and the forbidden future,
Somehow indeed it is tiring for me,
The moment i lost everything,
I have been trying so hard to fight,
Just for the tiny pieces of me would be fine,
For at least i know i am alive.

Now and then i could not stand about their talk,
About the love and the beauty behind it,
Nor the surrounding around me i detest it so,
Probably the envy that i do not notice,
Or much probably another part of me longing for,
I could never tell you much and help you more,
But the loneliness that i felt,
Making my life so silent,
Seems so demure,
Just the opposite of my wildness that my treasure see,
Even now and then i played my character too well for the world.

The next i'm this person and the later i'm that person,
Not a script that i followed,
Nor anyone for me to fool,
The audience will always be there,
Not knowing what has fooled them so much in the later movie,
I could have spoken the truth,
I could have let them see the real me,
I know i'm just being selfish,
But remember the bits and pieces of me that i try to save,
Those are the only thing i have left,
When love exit its way from my heart,
Thus comes the lonesome that i have to handle,
I pray for that one day,
That day will come for me and i believe as much as that.

Happiness for you too

All the love that i thought was gone,
Somehow buried by the past and the years that were there,
Feeling ever so lifeless,
Not much to say trying to tolerate,
The pain and so does the heartbreak,
Dreams of being together and married,
It was a little bit more there,
Just a little bit of a way to achieve,
You suddenly went,
Leaving me behind.

Was i foolish enough to believe in us,
How far we must have been apart,
The obstacles we face,
It might have been not make us strong enough,
To know we would parted our ways like this,
I took it as much as a broken people do,
Praying for your happiness as you join hands with another,
I will walk forward without a flower in my hand,
Nor the heavy step that you thought,
This is the farewell that i chose to give.

I told myself over and over again,
To forget you and never to see you,
But as i happen trying to live,
That was part of my life and i soon to accept my past,
Back then we were together happy ever after,
As now i am happy too even without you,
This is never a race nor competition,
Just so you know,
I hold hands with someone dear to me,
Precious enough to never leave me behind,
And in time what i have wish for you back then,
Is from a sincere heart of mine,
Cause when i bloom,
The spirit of Daisy will outshine my happiness.

Message 18/04/12

They see my confession as a song,
A melody that they never heard,
I have always said i am not a mystery,
Nor did i hide any secrets,
Even if i do have a story i could not tell,
It did not exist in my heart to talk,
That night i send you a heartbreak piece,
It was the mind of a broken soul,
Not just a song for it is just written out,
Truly it is from my heart,
What had me to become so hurt,
I am trying to share in my own way,
But if that is not possible for you to understand,
Maybe i meant to shut myself away.

This War

What life can i take,
What was it can i cherish,
When what i have felt,
More to pain and envy,
And so does i may conclude,
My relationship that i try so hard,
Ever dreaming of wearing the ring of love,
Kids of my own,
Redeem the suffering that i had now for happiness,
I want only that and only that before i change,
As i learn all the more and a whole lot more,
About the failure that i do not boast.

I am in the middle of confusion,
Not the road that i am taking,
Nor the challenge that i have to face,
More likely the conflict i had within,
My principles and my judgement,
What i believe so far and still carry on,
I can only sigh when i do get tired,
All the swords that once are sharp,
Now being nearly to rust with a clean cut,
What is it that i achieved,
I do believe i am happy once upon a time,
But then why is it,
My past hold me like a prisoner on a death row.

I vow to make it interesting,
Meeting lots and a lot more through this journey,
With the sacrifice i made that i have believe,
I can still be happy despite i am empty,
Dear oh dear me,
I often scolded,
My dear oh dear me whom easily persuaded,
They have known my weaknesses,
I have let them use it for a while,
Now i am hunger for them to notice,
That strength of mine they happen to pass,
For i have believe i stood high enough,
But it was still on the very ground my foot stands,
Cause i know the very least at the moment,
Where my war would lead me to.

Memo from my Phone#6 -The Unnamed Warrior-

Tell the world my greatest fear,
But none could ever be take too soon,
And yes i will be forever alone,
Not that i ask as i was just happen to have,
They probably hear the talks about me,
Timid as they would have names it,
Telling me the fault i happen to see as sacrifice,
What did they learn when they were aging like i was back then,
I was merely obeying the lordship,
For that is the world that i see during that year,
Without protection and feeling insecure,
I only lean towards my strength in the forever battle,
It was a rough one and it seem endless,
More to it,
It was just me,
The unnamed warrior.

Dessert (Chocolate Cake)

One might have said,
Everything need to be perfect,
And almost all of it must have the same measure,
The same amount and the same brand,
To make the perfect cake,
The one that would melt in your mouth,
The ultimate dessert one have tasted by far,
But in truth it was all a lie,
A distraction from knowing the truth,
Possibly the most selfish way of them doing so,
Without having them know the secrets of all,
As in truth i have learned by far,
Just follow the heart where it would lead you,
To the greatest ingredient that one never have thought.

So they might be bluffing up until today,
Giving out so bravenly the recipe of their own,
Very detailed indeed you have thought,
Thus we are reminded that everything needed to be perfect,
And so with the spatula, mixing bowl and the mixer,
Making our way to the bestest of chocolate cake famous of all,
As i assure you nothing is the same in the picture,
Once it is baked they would only wait and hope,
As soon as it is cooked some might end up in joy,
While they are others end up in despair,
It was the same as i follow the recipe,
And so they have said it all,
I have heard it too,
Even said it all,
Now that i know the truth,
I am confident if i say,
Baking is like living as in a matter of breathing.

2 cups of flour as the hand does the work,
1/2 cup of cocoa powder for a little bittersweet of life,
1/2 teaspoon of bicarbonat soda as a pressure in life,
1/2 teaspoon of salt as a taste by the tongue,
1/2 cup sugar and brown sugar to the sweetest memory,
125 gm of butter and 2 eggs for the life that you care,
As in 2 spoonful of vanilla extract is for the love that you earn,
It was the truth as i was telling you this,
The real recipe of baking in each ingredients,
If i was too compare it to life which i have done so far,
Probably i would have said my life is like the cake that i bake so far.

The 25th Year Conclusion

The untold story of the secret,
It was meant to never to be said,
But to those whom are greedy enough,
Impatient to know the fully future,
As if there were no tomorrow for them to wait,
The endless of road they have took,
And so they sighed upon the sickness of living,
What one did not know and grab it all,
Is the beauty of breathing and just to be alive.

Aye,
I have the eye, the face, the hand, the body and almost perfect,
Just like you i have the same,
Yet still i am unable to see,
What greed that conquer your heart,
Whereas you could not see what i see,
Of being thankful that is fully forgotten,
Just when the time your place has been taken,
Only then and if it is only then,
That you ought to see the people around you a little bit wider.

It is part of the untold story,
The one that they would not hear,
And so they are wrong to never have said it,
But what of the countless telling and reminder,
Disaster bits by many broke for many many years,
Thus why is it none would said so,
As much as the telling and the hinting,
I can never accept their ignorance,
It was shown to them and will be more,
This is my 25th years and i will see to it all.

The Great Educator

I know i should not talk about the past,
Comparing what we once had,
And now seem no more,
Well to be said only nano of the number,
So much William Blake would have said,
'To see the world in a grain of sand'
Indeed i understood it,
Just like the extinction of dedicated educator,
I could only sighed by heart,
Thinking who to blame,
Like it needed a solving,
Seeing the ever so sight,
Dwelling the very bit of a little pieces,
I could not rest,
Nor the voice that i kept is no longer there,
This is my way and i will happen to appear again.

I know what comparison may cause them,
In one sentence i shall say them so,
'For the money i teach half-heartedly,
For the people i want them to learn,'
It was said by another,
To the past and to the present,
In which i intended to revive,
The revolution of the past with teachers,
Each arm holds the hands of their student whole-heartedly,
Not the money nor the race of a glory,
And thus student will happen to respect again,
Aye,
They should be humble no matter how great they are,
Will it not be them to see you are way ahead,
And will it not be them be the hand to the crippled,
I have that much,
And praying you understood more than enough,
For the title and money only stays on earth,
As to what comes in handy we take it by heart.

Letter to my Love

If i happen to have you by my side,
Will i possibly open my heart to you,
Will i even think of loving you all the more you needed,
I happen to fear what i would ask,
What greed may come to my senses,
I happen to fear my own need,
The dissatisfaction that i held for so long,
In the sake of sacrifice,
I am scare enough to make it a reality in my life,
What i am trying to protect,
What i am trying to show,
Can never be tell if you just pass me by,
The reason of all the most i can not love you,
The confession that you made me run,
Not to your arms but just anywhere besides there,
I needed answer that you would protect me,
Even from myself cause that might happen to break us apart.

Even if i happen to be alone for all my life,
I can no longer complaint or yelled the unfairness,
That fate did not come for me,
That my love will never be there just solitary,
I would not blame you,
For i could not love you without hurting you inside,
I am scared but still trying to protect,
The dearest of my heart,
The only pieces that i can hold onto,
So forgive me for running,
Never to be found,
Missing,
Never to be seen,
I can only love you by far,
For i could not touch you and keep you warm.

Old Friend? Foe?

If i happen to remember you,
I'll speak to you,
When if i wasn't even noticing you,
I am pretending as my memory recalls,
But some might certainly fails my faulty,
The name that needed reminder,
Or probably the face that i thought i remember.

And so you have called me friendly manner,
The reason why i can't seem to remember,
What does happen between us,
And whatever awkward moment i'm feeling now,
I have not been in and out of drugs the last time we met,
But somehow my brain manage to block me,
The truth and just certain memoir,
That you have given to me.

But there's apology that i need to accept,
What might it be i could never figure,
Years and that long you have find me,
Funny isn't it the world that you chase,
Full of regret and begging forgiveness,
While i'm forever chasing the happiness and moves on,
Probably the meaning behind my faulty memory,
But just so you know,
I have forgive you the moment i forgot your name.

Bed Day

That particular never explain what illness i happen to have,
It have seems i have another hidden without my knowing,
I could no longer react how painful it was,
A day like forever,
A night that i wish to skipped,
I have forgotten over and over again,
That my body no longer young,
Nor being given enough adventurous to let it be strong,
I have thought i could just ignore my coughing,
The weather is just like the usual day,
That is what i assume,
Now that i could not even stomach rice,
Nor have water to stay a little longer in me,
I finally realize i was that sick,
Wearing thick clothes,
Endless nauseas without the thought of eating,
Favourite food becomes my biggest enemy,
Just the smell of it makes me avoid the kitchen altogether,
I should have known i was that sick,
But one thing i would have notice,
I would have known my gastric occurs the same time.

Motherhood

I learn that,
About how wounded i am today,
How my past affected me now,
The days that i have been through,
I am reminded by it every now and then,
About my vow,
It was suppose to heal,
But i guess it would take a great war indeed,
A battle to keep my own words,
For the next time i hold my own baby,
I would never behave like this again.

I learned that now,
Babysitting can brought up the past,
How i am treated i see it now,
Unconsciously it became true,
Everyday i would battle it out,
Trying my every way to avoid the possibilities,
Praying for more patience to calm me,
All the crying, sulking and just attitude,
I sometimes forget about my vow,
When i did yell,
When i did become evil,
When i did become the wounded person,
Hopefully in time,
In time i will never be like this again.

Humanity

If i was beginning to miss the sun,
I might as well miss the brightness that i once had,
Full of smile and thoroughly i think of peace,
As the moment i enjoyed of being in love,
Being love and never lack of anything,
Nor money and greed can ever harm the harmony within,
It was my life once before,
Yes, once before,
A long, long time ago,
Years before i had come to know,
What evil do lies in the face of human.

If i were to say it rain all day long,
I might as well say it hails and there goes storm up ahead,
I will be the weather-man,
Not long i have age and not long have i live,
To ever feel the presence of evil for the very first time,
The word turns ugly,
The people becomes horrid,
Monsters that frighten you when you are a baby,
They are that type of person,
Only i happen to know now,
Monster do exists,
But not under the bed nor inside the closet,
It was among your surroundings,
It is my life now,
And will be my life then,
Yes, it is now,
Now and the future,
Ever since that i come to know,
'They' do really exist don't they?

P/S : For the little children who lost their life at such young age by the hands of 'monsters'. May they rest in peace and may their family will get through it.

Reservation for Children (World)

In ten years more,
Or probably 50 years more,
I wonder if the children would talk about the trees,
The forest and the beauty of it,
Like i used to,
Loving the nature and always thought of going back,
To the woods and find a bit of quietness,
Would they even bother what is thinning and what is empty,
If the sound of the river are deaf to their ear,
I have often wonder,
How much longer can i protect,
The trees, plants including the greens,
When they ought to add another profit,
Through the greed they come after,
Forgetting the old days,
No more mountain that will ever be high,
No more hills to be seen,
And all of that gone while i was growing up,
If that is never enough for human greed,
Then they can never come to their senses of the lost one,
Aye,
I have said that,
The roads that i once saw trees growing,
All empty as the barren field,
Waiting to be stabbed by the metals and building,
Thus i have asked again and again,
What do children see in the future,
The world that was beautiful when i was born,
Or the world that filled up dust and just plain greed.

Him

I least talked about him,

When i do nothing good will come out,

A father is what i called him,

But wish nothing more but be distant from him,

Embarrassed and pain is suffering,

Being with him just nothing more than lie,

And more lies,

His very own story without us in the picture,

His very own story without a truth in it,

We know and i do too know,

Defend him as i might,

With all my very heart i try to defend him,

Even the greatest wall could never stand up to the lie,

Aye, it was all that,

It hurts me more and it hurts me still,

I rarely talked about him,

And when i do it was more to pain than the joy.

Love from Sinned

That loneliness and regret,
It was the cause my unforgivable sin,
The one and only that i kept as my secret,
The darkest part of the world i wish it would vanish,
Battling every now and then about the same thing,
Just over and over again,
My wish to turn back the time,
Will never be granted,
This is no fairy tale with magical wand,
Nor even a snapped through my finger will never erase it,
Thus by far i have come to accept,
Accept the sinned me,
But with this acceptance,
I can never forgive myself nor open my heart any longer,
The one dream and every little girl's dream,
Pretending to be the one who lost her shoe,
The one who ate an apple and fall to sleep,
The one with with magical long hair,
All of them have their prince by their side,
Their protector and shield to the evil,
The hands that do hold so close to their heart,
It was like a magical healer,
As the pain suddenly all gone,
With 'I do and accept you with all my heart',
That one moment in my life that i can never reach,
And just that loneliness i shut my heart out,
Refusing to remember again the sweetness of love,
As for now,
Not only LOVE that i need the most,
Something more to come with you in accepting the sinned me.

Chance to Love

When i have the chance to love,
Can i live my life like my favourite novels?
May i say the things that would make you fall for me day by day,
And everyday i wake up in the morning,
It will always be like the first time i fall for you,
Can i love you a lot more than i am allowed,
Be your strength and your charm,
Do i have that chance in life to meet someone like that?
Just to be able to love,
Happily ever after married,
And in your embrace i let my sorrow gone.

Memo From My Phone #5~Shield~

With the words stuck to my head,
How can i possibly tell the rest,
When you alone would see otherwise,
I could not continue and choose to take the blame,
For i know i could handle it from time to time,
But if that was never enough for us,
Would you believe in me all the more,
With pain and bittersweet taste alike,
Would you endure it with the heart that you own right now,
I want to protect you so badly,
And the monster within me has finally show it's form,
In time,
I might be gone for a long time.

My Reverie

Somewhere special would be nice,
The place that only i know the best,
So even if i am blind against my own will,
I would probably know my way back home,
Home is what they call,
But in my place,
Not a house nor a wall that it could provide,
Just a shelter while i breathe the air,
A hideout from the sudden thunder i fear,
If i must go and choose,
Be it the place that i love,
And be it mine with just my love.

Secrets of Long Lasting Marriage

I wait for him at the path where i needed him the most,
Should he come maybe i might as well let my sword down,
Wishing he would continue the fight for me,
Too tender to go on,
And too hurtful to be strong,
I needed time my dear to heal my wound,
And should you choose to back away,
I ought to show how my real strength challenge your pride,
When i act like nothing ever happen.
Which would hurt you most my once i have cared,
The battle that i won without getting myself a scar,
Or for the fact you left me unprotected to the very end.

It was once a very sacred bond,
People believe by their own fate and handle it,
With patience and tolerance,
It was us the women who did all the sacrifice,
Some would have change it and rule their home otherwise,
But i would always believe in the sacrifice and do the same,
If i were to give a chance to prove to youngsters nowadays,
Make him the king and by heart you are the warrior,
If love can never see the tormenting heart,
Then by all means let me love him in silence for a thousand years to come.

Cherished The Reality

Making the entrance from the moment i was born,
A stage of the reality begins at the sound of my crying,
What did i know back then except throwing a tantrum,
Be it the witness to only beautiful and innocent,
The greens and the unpaved road,
I grow ever in a government house,
It has been there years and long before,
And so the river and mud has been my playground,
Air that was so fresh untainted,
I missed them so much the most and above all,
Wishing that the greenery scene would always be there,
Even 100 more years to come.

It is reality indeed,
And as the world seems to be spinning and not flat,
I come to learn a lot and sighs,
Over the age that keeps on counting day by day,
I learned to love, betrayal, pain and tears,
Comes together the moment i still longed for innocent,
No more the sunshine that shuns upon my life,
Not at all everything is bright that i see nowadays,
Either it be black, cloudy and orange,
Impure love and the real among they have missed,
I have come to missed the green mind that i had once,
So innocent and yet so calm,
So happy and happy,
The place i longed the most,
Hard to reach at the same time,
I still hope for it last 100 years more to come.

I cherished my memories that brought me here,
I told them through the art that some might understand,
The not so romantic me wishes to share the world that i once lived in,
To others that forgot their own path,
To others whom heart blacken by the pain of reality,
To others where ought the scenery not as astounding as mine,
The eyes, the wisdom, the path, the patience,
I might as well lead them the way,
As soon as i am able to mend my own broken piece,
Shall i not make it in time,
I still do hope my words reaches your heart,
If that is so,
I might be able to heal faster and lead you the place that i treasured.

Belle of Life

It was not always my way,
But when i decided that i needed an answer,
Probably i will be the gems that no one knows,
For i do not use my best to gain them answer,
I use my naivety to make them tell,
Cruel one might say,
But it will years too late for them to notice,
I could conquer much of the world,
As intriguing as it may sounds,
I do not have the ambition to conquer the places,
The world do not owned by me,
It is only a place to be thankful for being alive,
Learning the meaning, weakness and strength,
I see that much by far,
The rest in between,
More to the 'Belle of Life'.

Thought of Suiciding

When i can't seem to call,
I do hope someone would,
Even a tiny message that would say 'hi',
Even that one bit,
I could feel i want to live again,
It was not part of my life to suicide,
Only a downfall of me forgot how to get up,
Probably that is when i decided to die,
End the life that i felt so worthless,
Being useless all the same,
The attention and love from family is what pains me,
I could handle the rest of the world,
But only from them i can never fight,
I obeyed them and lost into it,
Those un-shed that were unseen,
Pain and cracks created upon the mask,
The feeling of lonely itself happen to help it faster,
As dangerous as it sounds,
Unaware of them the situation i felt,
I happen to see another light and remembering again,
No more cuts on my own left arm,
Disarm the scissors that i held for so long,
I have my beliefs and i grew up with it,
And so i prayed and repent there and just that,
As i get up again and live my life,
To the fullest and to my joy.

Until That

Until my time start ticking again,
I will be waiting for him and lowering myself,
Not that i worshipped him,
But the uncertain answer that he gave,
Was the only reason i have not settle my own,
I ask him all the more,
That simple and typical question that i needed him to answer,
Has become years and challenging my patience,
Chances of too many that i gave,
Becomes my stupidity in love,
It is true i am counselling those broken heart,
Thus,
Here i am unable to fix mine.

Life continues on and it did,
As our own dreams we were reaching have accomplished,
We still gave out the terms 'friends',
I have wish to slap you hard enough,
But as i realize someone did slapped me from the sleep,
My hesitation and his uncertainty has to be stopped,
And in the end i backed away the moment he give me the answer,
It was years late i told him so,
What did we feel was mutual and long,
When i hold his hand tight and smile upon him,
Let my time tick again and i start walking without turning back,
Until he gave me the ring,
Until then I will give him mine.  

Dreams of Life

It never was a tale nor myth,
A lie that everyone would ever thought of,
Even a boast that no one would care to listen,
Those years did pass by,
And to whom it may concern,
Would you see the place i am standing now?
The dreams that i have chase and told,
The history that i would make you see,
Just something that you would believe,
I am that me that you did not bother,
That me the one you ignore,
From my poverty and to my glory,
The powers of the dream and the world that are gifted,
That smile i lost a long time ago,
This is what i own,
And what is lent to me as my happiness,
Grateful i am and tears that i am,
To them who ditched me behind,
Has the world teach you more about the pain and life?
For i have felt it all the more,
But that is what i am as for today.

Past and Future

Running and panting,
That was all in the past,
I failed to face it head on and start to make excuses,
Pardon for my lack,
And sorry for my pride,
But now as i went lower and deeper,
I happen to see and face the outcome,
For who i am and what i am,
I can no longer care about the heart of you,
To the one that still walk on clouds,
This is never a cartoon tales that i am telling,
Cause life is KARMA,
Somehow,
It will bring you back to the ground again.